Shave With Dave

Only 15 years in prison for cutting off another Amish man’s beard?  That’s only twice as long as it will take Germany to get its gold back.  Did anyone check with the Assistant Attorney General Lanny Breuer to make sure there wouldn’t be excessive “ripple effects”  to the hairstyling industry before prosecuting this “hate crime?”  You get 15 years for assault on another man’s beard, I can only imagine what kind of charges my barber could be brought up on for a bad haircut.  I don’t even have a beard, but I’m getting one because as CNN reports when a man loses his beard, well good luck finding a new one… at least before tomorrow morning.

Let the punishment fit the crime.  The Amish don’t have cable TV either so it’s no wonder they entertain themselves by beard bullying.  At least the scissor-wielding terrorist Bishop Mullet will have cable TV while he’s in prison.  Lady Justice  is supposed to be blind to anything but the facts, but the fact is that she’ll never be able to grow a beard in the first place.  But nonetheless, she has the right to a beard just like she has the right to go into military combat.  In fifteen years, the Amish victims should be fully recovered and their beards grown in like a Chia Pet.  Who knows, maybe their beards will be back in a couple of weeks?

Who not give Bishop Mullet life in prison or at least make him shave everyday while locked in his house like they make Julian Assange wear that ankle bracelet in the Ecuadorian embassy?  Imagine the threat to society or Lloyd Blankfein’s new beard as seen sported at Davos if this hooliganism isn’t stopped like an Amish cart without a horse.  Beards have a right to be protected.  If it’s not in the Constitution, it sure ought to be.  Maybe they can replace the right to bear arms with the right to beard faces.  I know Homeland Security issued a video just a few days ago outlining the importance of wielding scissors in the war on terror.  Art imitates life as the TSA’s Thousands Standing Around become the thin blue line between Blankfein and Bernanke’s facial hair and a band of bullying TSA Amish known as Thousands Scissoring Around.

The man who will be spending 15 years behind bars didn’t actually participate in the de-bearding, but he was the ringleader in the conspiracy to de-beard.  Unlike the LIBOR rate fixing scandal that was blamed on 21 low level traders at Royal Bank of Scotland, the Amish accountability went straight to the top.  RBS CEO Stephen Hester explains the trillion dollar LIBOR punishment of traders as “14 were no longer with the bank and the remainder are under disciplinary proceedings.”  That will show ’em and Hester’s safe because he’s doesn’t have a beard plus he’s bald so who better to clean up the mess.

I can only imagine if Bishop Mullet got a hold of one particular CFTC regulator’s mullet that capital punishment would have been the order of the day.  Who needs prison for the central bankers responsible for the sovereign bond haircuts when you have Amish who can serve the dual purpose of prison time for hate crimes while boosting the stock price of Correction Corp. of America?  No matter what I have written in the past, I don’t hate anyone’s hairstyle, or beard for that matter.  Lloyd, you look great!  Bart is beautiful.  I think Lloyd was even invited to the White House last week to sport his new Alpine look.

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